Ever since the announcement of our engagement, we've understandably been asked a lot of questions. I overcompensated for this "pop quiz" of sorts and did an immense amount of research so that we'd be prepared to answer anything that came our way.
By month two, pretty much everything was completed except the little details (like where to get the invites printed, and does this candlestick look better with this frame or that one).
It's the other questions that we weren't necessarily as prepared to talk about yet. Like, what type of a ceremony will you have? What dress are your bridesmaids wearing? Is your dad giving you away? Who is the best man?
The truth is, it's not because we haven't thought about these things, because we have given it much thought, but when you look into the history of many of these wedding traditions, you'll come to see they may not be traditions worth keeping.
We're all about setting new traditions for us that we're comfortable with. And let's face it, Mat and I aren't exactly your most traditional couple ;)
So I thought it would be interesting to fill you all in on some history of wedding traditions. Ever been curious why the bride has to be carried over the threshold, or why it's bad luck for the groom to see the bride in her gown before the wedding? I was, so I looked it up.
It stems from back in the days when they used to have arranged marriages. If the girl was a dog and the groom to be caught a glimpse of her before the wedding, he'd run off and leave her at the altar. Poor thing.
Let's say all went well, and the two arranged couples are married, this is still a girl who is probably less than thrilled and very reluctant to give up her virginity to a total stranger, thus the groom would have to forcibly carry her to the bedroom, or over the threshold. No thank you, I will keep my feet firmly on the ground.
Much of our wedding traditions stem from these days of forced and arranged marriages, where the brides were nothing more than property that their families would sell off to a business-partner-to-be. In many cases, the brides were actually kidnapped by the groom's family. Where do you think we get the term "Best Man" from?
The best man was literally the best man for the job. The groom would call upon his best man or best men to help him steal away a bride. The bride always stands to the left of the groom because the men needed their right hands free to draw their swords and protect their prize from the bride's family who would try to take her back.
Ushers and Best Men were like a small army, left to fight off the bride's irate family as the groom carried her away. There are records left of early people from this "marriage by capture" era of whole arsenals of clubs and knives left under the altars of churches, which indicates these were there for the groom and his men to use to protect from attacks by the bride's family in attempts to get her back.
Later during Medieval times, the laws finally changed in regards to marriages and women were no longer allowed to be bartered, sold or exchanged for goods (yippie), but there were still arranged marriages with contracts being drawn out listing the terms and rights of each party, when the brides and grooms were as young as ten or twelve (ewwww).
Secret weddings were now illegal and couples would have to get a priest's blessing first, which started to mean big cash for priests. It's not to say marriages for love didn't happen, but that was more the case within the lower classes who didn't exactly have property and lots of possessions to stress about.
What about the bridal gown and accessories? Well the white dress wasn't popularized in the Western world until Queen Victoria donned a white dress in the 1840s to symbolize her grand purity. Before then, brides would simply wear their best dress. The garter, on the other hand, is a truly nauseating accessory now that I realize what it's meant for.
The bride's garter comes from the ancient tradition of having to prove you've consummated the marriage via a witness, and in many cases, via witnesses plural. Meaning, the witness would bring the garter forward to everyone as proof they've done IT. This understandably became such a violation of privacy, that brides would have their husbands throw the garter out to prove consummation. So gross.
I'm not fond of the reasons why brides wear a veil either, although I've had to make peace with the fact that I'm wearing one during the ceremony. Some traditions can't be broken I guess. There are a few symbolic meanings behind the veil:
Firstly, the veil is meant to signify that the bride wants to stay married until she dies. That's because back in those times, the veil was a head to toe cover and quite literally, it was her burial shroud that she was later put in the ground in. Very morbid.
It's also meant to symbolize her innocence and modesty, in addition to disguising the bride from evil spirits who could harm her. Wait there's more: the veil also disguises the bride's face from the groom who still hasn't seen her yet, because like I said earlier, if he's not into her, he may not stick around to get married.
With all that said, especially the part about not seeing the bride before hand lest she be left at the altar, when I did go try on my first dress in LA, I told Mat that he should share the experience with me, because I know he's not going anywhere.
He took one look at me in that awful gown (it was a true disaster), and despite the hideousness of the garment, he still got a bit misty and had to leave the shop until we were done trying on gowns. What a sweetie. So for his sake, we're keeping this tradition.
What about the bridesmaids? Well, they didn't come into play until later when weddings became more planned. In the days leading up to the wedding, a head maid, or maid of honor as we know her now, would attend to the bride and make the bridal wreath, help her get dressed, and prepare the food and decorations.
Originally, bridesmaids would wear dresses very similar to the bride's gown so that the bride would be protected against those pesky evil spirits who were after her. The groomsmen would also dress like the groom, so that if there were evil spirits around, they would be confused as to who the newlyweds really were. Sucks for the bridesmaids and groomsmen.
That's not the real reason why my bridesmaids aren't dressing the same, but it does give me ammo in case anyone argues the girls should all be dressed the same. Let's get real -- when does a woman EVER want to go to a big event dressed the same as someone else? Umm never.
Then finally, there's the ring. The fourth finger on the left hand, or ring finger, is where the engagement and wedding rings are worn, duh. But did you know it's because it was once thought that the vein on this finger was a direct route to the heart? It's totally not true, but still a beautiful sentiment. I'll keep this tradition.
The tradition of the father giving away the bride during the ceremony is one that has evolved over probably thousands of years. Again, this stems from the days when the bride was simply property of the family. Property attached with a hefty price. If the groom wanted the bride, he would have to pay a large sum to the family before he was allowed to marry her.
Nowadays, the custom has evolved to symbolized the trading of authority from the father's hands to that of the husband's. I'm still not down with that either.
Another way of looking at it is that it's the parent's giving their blessing of the marriage to the bride's chosen beloved. I still insist that I walk myself down the aisle. I've been living on my own for ten years now, and no one has to give me away.
I haven't given much thought to having a bridal shower. We had a beautiful engagement party and I'm not sure a bridal shower is necessary. The bridal shower has its roots in Holland, back when if the bride's father didn't approve of the marriage, he wouldn't give her the necessary dowry she needed. So the bride's friends would get together and literally shower her with gifts so she would have a dowry and could marry the groom she wanted.
That's so not the case with Mat and I. It's also said that all the engagement and wedding gifts are technically property of the bride since she didn't have anything else in the world to call hers. I like to tease Mat about this one :)
Then of course, we have all those wedding superstitions like something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue and a sixpence in the shoe. The old is something that ties you to your past, and also, it signifies that the good fortune of the something old will be passed down. Something new is optimism and hope for a bright future.
The something borrowed tended to be a valued possession from a family member to remind the bride that family would always be there for her. There's also a superstition that you should only borrow something from someone with a happy marriage so that your marriage will mirror their well being. If it wasn't returned, the wish wouldn't come true. Stealing is bad!
Something blue stems from the color blue representing faithfulness, fidelity, and constancy...not white as we know it today. I never heard the phrase "sixpence in your shoe" before, it sounds uncomfortable. The sixpence is a symbol of good luck and was worn in the bride's shoe to ensure the couple would have wealth.
I don't think I'll be putting a sixpence in my shoe, but I do like me some superstitions and maybe I'll incorporate one or two of these into my attire.
Moving on to the cake...yes even the cake has a rich history just as rich as it's yummy layers. Mmmm. According to one long gone tradition, the bottom layer of the wedding cake represents the couple as a family, the top layer represents them as they are now, and each layer in between represents a child they hope to have. I wonder if all those brides with 7 tier cakes know about this??
The bride and groom cut the cake together to symbolize their unity. There's even a specific, meaningful way they're supposed to do this: The groom should place his hand over the bride's hand to show his desire to take care of her and it's also good luck for the bride to take the first cut. I don't know why. And oh yea, who cares? Can we eat the cake now?
They take turns feeding each other a taste of the cake which symbolizes their sharing of life's bounty. One superstition I think is hilarious is that if a child under five steals a taste of the frosting before the first cut, then the couple's first born will be the same sex as that child.
Hmmmm...Bayan sneakily poked a finger in our engagement cake, so maybe we'll have a boy first? He was so cute when he did it too! He was all, "I wanted to make sure it tastes good for you". I asked him if it was and he says "yeah it's really good". Love. Him.
Other weird cake traditions include taking home the top layer of the cake and freezing it for a year until the couple's first anniversary. If the cake survives, it's a guarantee of a long marriage. They don't have to eat it do they? Because that is gross.
The tradition of the honeymoon is a bit harder to pinpoint. The honeymoon as we know it is a recent addition to the wedding genre. The term comes from the middle ages where gifts of mead (wine) were given to the couple. This special wine was brewed from fermented honey and spices to give the couple sweetness, and they were meant to drink it for a month. So "honey" from the mead and "moon" from the length of time.
After a while, the purpose of the honeymoon began to change, even though the name stuck, and newlyweds would leave their friends and family to go off and do what they do and now we incorporate fancy holidays in overpriced hotels.
Lastly, there is one superstition that I quite like in regards to the best months to get married: If you wed in bleak November, only joys will come, remember.
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